Brandon and I had a chance to talk tonight before falling sleep. In case you're wondering, he fell asleep. I'm here unable to sleep with all my thoughts going crazy. That and the later than usual cup of coffee I'm thinking was a lapse of judgment.
We talked about our marriage. We do this often. We talk about how we're doing and what we need to work on. Sometimes it's acts of service. Sometimes it's words of encouragement one or both of us are needing. Sometimes it's to make time to get away together more often. Sometimes we're just in a funk and don't know what's wrong, but it's wrong. That was us tonight. I feel as close to him as ever. I'm more in love with that man than ever and I truly feel loved and treasured by him. So, what's going on? Why does it just not feel... Right?
We were sorta trying to sort things out. Is it our new morning routine of getting up earlier? No. We both are loving that. Is it him in grad school? No. This started before then and seems unrelated. What else has changed? Is it our cellphones we veg out on as soon as the kids get in the bed? Maybe? But then again, it's the only time all day that there is just... Nothingness. Ha!
Then Brandon said, "you know, we've done this before. When Norah and Grady were Aubrey's age. We're just always 'on.' It's like an endurance race to bedtime these days."
I love my husband. He always cuts to the core and speaks such wisdom. (When he's not constantly pestering you or being sarcastic.) He's right! There's nothing like having a toddler in the house. How quickly you forget each stage when you move to the next one. When you have a newborn, things are hard. You have this new person you are trying to get to know and you are learning each other. And they just NEED so much and so constantly. Then things kinda even out. You learn each other. You figure out a routine. They learn to smile and coo and make it all worthwhile. Then they become a toddler. I don't mean they learn to walk. This is much more than that. This is the time you have to be on constant guard because this precious, wonderful, child of mine hasn't learned yet to move her fingers to keep from smashing them in the drawer she is practicing opening and closing. They still need to try one more time to pull all the wipes out to hear the whoosh, see what happens when the box runs out, and watch your reaction to all this. They still love to hear the click the toilet seat makes when it snaps against the rim. What do all these buttons do? They must push them to see. What does this beetle taste like? Is it edible? Do these pages come out of this book? What about the flaps in this picture book? What happens if I spin the toilet paper? What's in this thing called the "trash?" What's in my nose? Ear? Diaper? What will fit in my nose? Ear? Diaper?
And the stairs! Oh, the stairs.
It's wonderful and so cool to watch them grow and explore and learn. So very fun. And so very exhausting. I'm so thankful that I have a true partner that shares in all of this messiness every minute he can. I don't think I could love that man more than when he's being such an excellent daddy to our kiddos.
We're tired though. That's what we decided tonight. End of the day, we just needed to reconnect and say to each other, "This is deliriously fun and exceptionally hard. I miss us though. See you on the other side." This is just a season. A sweet, giggly season. It's times like these that take so much out of you that there's not much left to give each other at the end of the day. It was nice just to know that he misses me too. He feels it too- the funk we're in. We both know we're on rocky ground. If we're not careful, the scales will tip. It's a constant battle to keep our marriage at the top of the priority list.
We tipped the scales back in our favor with a ten minute discussion tonight right before he started snoring. Yes, we both agreed that we need to be more intentional about spending time together engaged with each other- as opposed to passively just "being." But honestly, that's always true. It was more about just saying to one another. I'm here. I feel what you feel. We're on the same team. I'm here forever and always as always.
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