Marriage: The Toddler Season

Brandon and I had a chance to talk tonight before falling sleep. In case you're wondering, he fell asleep. I'm here unable to sleep with all my thoughts going crazy. That and the later than usual cup of coffee I'm thinking was a lapse of judgment.

We talked about our marriage. We do this often. We talk about how we're doing and what we need to work on. Sometimes it's acts of service. Sometimes it's words of encouragement one or both of us are needing. Sometimes it's to make time to get away together more often. Sometimes we're just in a funk and don't know what's wrong, but it's wrong. That was us tonight. I feel as close to him as ever. I'm more in love with that man than ever and I truly feel loved and treasured by him. So, what's going on? Why does it just not feel... Right?

We were sorta trying to sort things out. Is it our new morning routine of getting up earlier? No. We both are loving that. Is it him in grad school? No. This started before then and seems unrelated. What else has changed? Is it our cellphones we veg out on as soon as the kids get in the bed? Maybe? But then again, it's the only time all day that there is just... Nothingness. Ha!

Then Brandon said, "you know, we've done this before. When Norah and Grady were Aubrey's age. We're just always 'on.' It's like an endurance race to bedtime these days."

I love my husband. He always cuts to the core and speaks such wisdom. (When he's not constantly pestering you or being sarcastic.) He's right! There's nothing like having a toddler in the house. How quickly you forget each stage when you move to the next one. When you have a newborn, things are hard. You have this new person you are trying to get to know and you are learning each other. And they just NEED so much and so constantly. Then things kinda even out. You learn each other. You figure out a routine. They learn to smile and coo and make it all worthwhile. Then they become a toddler. I don't mean they learn to walk. This is much more than that. This is the time you have to be on constant guard because this precious, wonderful, child of mine hasn't learned yet to move her fingers to keep from smashing them in the drawer she is practicing opening and closing. They still need to try one more time to pull all the wipes out to hear the whoosh, see what happens when the box runs out, and watch your reaction to all this. They still love to hear the click the toilet seat makes when it snaps against the rim. What do all these buttons do? They must push them to see. What does this beetle taste like? Is it edible? Do these pages come out of this book? What about the flaps in this picture book? What happens if I spin the toilet paper? What's in this thing called the "trash?" What's in my nose? Ear? Diaper? What will fit in my nose? Ear? Diaper?
And the stairs! Oh, the stairs.

It's wonderful and so cool to watch them grow and explore and learn. So very fun. And so very exhausting. I'm so thankful that I have a true partner that shares in all of this messiness every minute he can. I don't think I could love that man more than when he's being such an excellent daddy to our kiddos.

We're tired though. That's what we decided tonight. End of the day, we just needed to reconnect and say to each other, "This is deliriously fun and exceptionally hard. I miss us though. See you on the other side." This is just a season. A sweet, giggly season. It's times like these that take so much out of you that there's not much left to give each other at the end of the day. It was nice just to know that he misses me too. He feels it too- the funk we're in. We both know we're on rocky ground. If we're not careful, the scales will tip. It's a constant battle to keep our marriage at the top of the priority list.

We tipped the scales back in our favor with a ten minute discussion tonight right before he started snoring. Yes, we both agreed that we need to be more intentional about spending time together engaged with each other- as opposed to passively just "being." But honestly, that's always true. It was more about just saying to one another. I'm here. I feel what you feel. We're on the same team. I'm here forever and always as always.

I Found My Christmas Spirit

I can be a scrooge at Christmas.  Yes, me.  Bubbly, polite, smiley, Jesus-loving Kristy gets annoyed at all the hubbub and commercialism that now surrounds it all. It takes a LOT to get me in the Christmas spirit before Thanksgiving.  Especially after the Christmas season we had last year, but I am already there this year.  Let me tell how God is already working on my heart preparing me for this season:

Thought #1:

Norah, my second grader, and I have been studying Creation/Adam and Eve in her Bible study this week.  Grady, 5, has been hanging around and asked some questions yesterday that were so good and insightful that it makes me wonder if God wasn't whispering to his heart too.

Why did God make Adam in the first place?

Why did God make Adam work?

Why did he make the tree of knowledge of good and evil?  If He just didn't make the tree, then Eve and Adam wouldn't have eaten from it.

This lead to more discussion with Brandon after the kids went to bed.

God knew they would eat from it. He knew they would, and He made it anyway.  He KNEW they would question Him and rebel from Him and let sin enter His perfect creation, and He made it anyway. He knew from before Adam breathed his first breath that He would eventually have to die to save us from it. Wow.

I think about when I was pregnant with Norah.  I would lay in bed each night toward the end of my pregnancy and do my nightly “kick count.”  I had to get 10 kicks in 60 minutes.  She usually gave them to me in less than 5, but that was the longest 5 minutes of my life every. single. night.  I KNEW I would die for that baby, if that’s what it took, before I ever saw her face.

Matthew 7:11If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! 

Thought #2

Again, Norah’s school work reminded me of a truth I have long since known to be true.  She is reading (listening to) a book set in the middle ages and focused around a wealthy nobleman’s son that, with great misfortune, is left alone and paralyzed.  A monk comes to care for him and after several weeks takes him to the chapel and instructs him to pray.  He is to “be thankful for all thou hast” and pray for safety of his father at war, his mother in service, and his healing.  The monk turns to go and the boy is left to his thoughts.  He can’t possibly pray like the monk said.  He is too angry and thinks God has surely forgotten him.  What does he have to be thankful for?  He decides to be thankful anyway, and to his surprise, the prayers come afterwards.

My grandmother has said this to me on several occasions and I’m here to testify, it works.  If you have anger or sadness or grief or are just plain ole grumpy, start thanking God for all your blessings and suddenly the other stuff starts to melt away. (I guess I’m in the Thanksgiving Spirit too! Ha!)

Here’s where it all comes together:

I've been humming the chorus to “Jesus Saves” since we sang it this Sunday morning and decided I needed to look up the lyrics so I could sing the whole thing.  Let me tell you (all 6 of you taking the time to get this far. Ha!)  I had a worship service right there in my kitchen cleaning up the breakfast dishes.  No lie.  I know all these facts.  I’m the one teaching them to my kids, but it all came flooding over me with a force that cannot be put into words.  Here’s the song in case you've never heard it:

http://youtu.be/WFgAnhHhesk

NO.  Even if you have heard it, go back and listen again while reading the lyrics. I’m serious.

For those of you that can’t get the link to work, here’s the lyrics.  I tried to post just a few and couldn't pick.

Hear the heart of Heaven beating, Jesus saves Jesus saves
and the hush of mercy breathing Jesus saves Jesus saves
Hear the Host of angels sing glory to the new born King
and the sounding joy repeating, Jesus saves

See the humblest hearts adore him, Jesus saves Jesus saves
and the wisest bow before him, Jesus saves Jesus saves
See the sky alive with praise, melting darkness in its blaze
There is light forevermore in Jesus saves

He will live, our sorrow sharing, Jesus saves Jesus saves
He will die our burdens bearing, Jesus saves Jesus saves
It is done will shout the cross, Christ has paid redemption's cost
While the empty tomb's declaring, Jesus saves

Freedom's calling, chains are falling, hope is dawning bright and true
Day is breaking, night is quaking, God is making all things new 

Jesus saves 

Oh to grace how great a debtor, Jesus saves Jesus saves
Are the saints who shout together, Jesus saves Jesus saves
Rising up so vast and strong, lifting up salvation's song
The redeemed will sing forever, Jesus saves

This may not sound like a Christmas song to you, but it will be blasting at my house all season long and we’ll be singing it around my Christmas tree!

Thank you God for loving us and being willing to die for us before we were ever even created!  Thank you does not seem like enough.  I wish there were stronger words to express what’s on my heart.  Thank you for leaving Heaven to come to earth as a baby.  Thank you for living life as a man and bearing man’s burdens, including all of our sin. Thank you for dying as our sacrifice and conquering death by rising again on the third day! Thank you for knowing that that was the plan all along.

Merry Christmas!

He is love, you know.

I reviewed the report with him which first consisted of a full typed page of medical diagnosis his chart bears and moved on to the new bad news for today.  We had the hard conversation.  I hated it.  Every. Second.  When I was finished explaining his options and possible repercussions of each, he looked up and smiled at me.  He said that he could tell I had done that before and I did it very well.  Then he asked with the same belly laugh he says most things to me, "Does your family eat pears?" "We sure do." "Well, I've got some out here that are just going to rot.  Let's go get you some."  With that, we simply got up from the table, he picked up a plastic bag with a brown paper bag inside that he obviously had prepared beside the back door, and we headed out to pick pears.  Have I mentioned that I love Home Health?  We talked about gardening and he told me several stories of he and his wife of 64 years and their love of this yard and garden.  She placed this bench here.  He build this shed here.  Their children used to have a volleyball net here.

It was nice.  When we came back in the back door, I asked if he had any questions before I left him to think on his decisions that had to be made.  He said he didn't, but he did have some other questions. He then asked me the same three questions he asked at the previous visits: "Do you know who Jesus is?" "Are you a Christian?" "How do you know?"  I gladly answered all three and then just had to ask: "Why the pears?"  That's when he said something that has resonated with me for the rest of today:

"I have found that when you love on people, they are more likely to listen to you about Jesus.  He is love, you know.  I used to be able to do a lot more.  I used to care for the widow ladies and go raise money for folks whose house has burned down or whatever.  Now I have pears, so I give pears."

I loved it.  I hugged him as tight as I dare hug a sweet, frail 94-year old widower.  Thank you God for your sweet encouragement through such a sweet servant.  I am praying for your blessings on his life today and that I finish my race as well as he is.

Come Boldly

Hebrews 4:16 KJV
Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

I decided a long time ago that I was going to eliminate any Christian cliches that I was not able to support with scripture. Most of these little southern sayings are harmless such as, "chunk 'em and dunk 'em." (That's the only one I could come up with. Give me a break, it's early.)

Occasionally however, there are cliches that directly conflict with what the word of God teaches. One such is "inviting Jesus into our presence." The Bible teaches us over and over again in verses like this that God is always with us:

Matthew 28:20b NLT
"And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

Matthew 18:20 KJV
"For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."

It may seem harmless, but I wonder what impression an unbeliever or someone who, like me as a teenager, is new to studying the Bible gets from these "harmless" cliches.

To try to fit in as quickly as possible, I imitated all these Sunday School phrases as quickly as possible and used them whenever I had the chance. That is until I was completely embarrassed several years ago when my pastor mentioned one in a sermon that I had used boldly and quite publicly as I usually do everything I do that is even slightly embarrassing. (I promise I am much more level headed and sophisticated when I am alone.)

I heard this, "come boldly before the throne of God" said so eloquently in prayer yesterday and thought to myself, "oh, how I hope this one is in there somewhere." I was pleased to come across it this morning in my Bible study along with lots of personal needs that reminded me that my God is watching me and loves me even when I'm acting like me. I am studying Hebrews and this is my 3rd time through in 2 weeks. This is the first time i noticed this verse. I wonder so often how God has patience for me, but he does. Patience and endless love. So...

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:16 KJV

10 years- Times flies when you're having fun!

I have had in my mind to post this for quite a while and wanted to do it on Friday which is the 10 year anniversary of the day I married the man of my dreams.  However, since I know the next few days are going to be crazy and include a little romantic get-away with said man of dreams, AND the kids actually took a nap today (are you noticing a trend here in the nap to blog ratio? I am.), I decided to go on and do it today.

I talk about my husband all the time.  As much as people will let me without literally rolling their eyes so hard that they fall out of their chair- you know who you are.  I had one of my... I am taking a literal pause because I don't know what to call the guys in my Sunday School class that I "teach." I learn as much from them as they accidentally and by the grace of God learn from me... hmmm... Well, one of those of the female variety asked me with accusation in her voice if he really was as wonderful as I say he is "ALL THE TIME", and the answer is, "YES!"  Sorry for those of you who are throwing up now. Those who are starting to hate on me... I'm sorry. I didn't do anything to deserve it.  I don't know why I was chosen to get to be his wife, but I am so glad and humbled that I was.  I think it is because my mother-in-law is so great- I know! Now I have even more of you angry.  I better move on.

I really started thinking about writing this post when following our Girls' Bible Study one night a friend of mine texted and asked how I knew he was, "the one."  Here is what I told her... in way more words :)

About a 2 years after we started dating, ICC- winter 2001

#1- He was who he was ALL THE TIME.  That blew my mind.  At the time I felt surrounded by people who played different roles depending on the situation, and I would be lying to you if I told you I was any different.  I thought that was just how things worked.  They/I talked, acted, and made decisions based on who was around, who would find out, or whether or not you would get in trouble. I justified it by several things whether it be not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings or make them uncomfortable to "don't ask don't tell" to "what they don't know won't hurt them." He wasn't self-righteous (see below) or abrasive, just Brandon.  Sweet yet mean, funny Brandon.
I have learned that the word to pin on this is he was a man (yes, at age 16) of INTEGRITY and it drew me to him long before I was interested in him romantically. He still is.

#2- He's cute.  I mean, have you seen him? And he is hilarious... in a mean, sarcastic, too-smart-so-I-don't-get-it-until-the-next-day kind of way.

#3- He has been the spiritual leader of our relationship since before there was one.  The whole reason we started dating was because I needed a ride to church.  He added me to his route- he was already picking up a few others.  I just happened to be dropped off last every time even though looking back it added quite a few miles to his trip to do it that way... oh, to be young and stupid...

#4- He had a relationship with God unlike any I had experienced.  We hear in churches all the time now how Christianity is about having a relationship and not a religion. It was not like that way on back in 1998. My experience with church was that you had a standard you were expected to meet. A quota of sorts.  I was so confused by it all and he made it simple.  When he talked about God (and he did quite often), he talked about Him the way you do a real person. That blew my mind. Again, something we hear in every contemporary Christian song and practically every sermon these days, but it made me stop cold in my tracks and really look at my "relationship" with God or lack there of.  And this is when I was still dating someone else.  Now, to be fair, I will say that it wasn't just Brandon that caused that, God was showing Himself to me in lots of awesome and intimate ways (yes, even I have secrets and personal space believe it or not!), but Brandon was my favorite.

#5- He has protected me in every way possible. Spiritually, physically, emotionally... I am in tears thinking of how much stress and praying for me I am sure I don't even know about because he is such an awesome protector. If you don't know me well, then I might need to tell you that I am a very independent and... strong-willed woman- to be polite. I did not take kindly to this when we first started dating, when we were first married, during my time in graduate school, when we first had children, for the last few years, or last month when we were looking at houses and I threw a little hissy fit (yes, I am from Mississippi) when he didn't do things the way I wanted because, "He didn't have a good feeling about it."
As a matter of fact, he probably has no idea how much I recognize and appreciate the way he protects me and our sweet family judging by the way I act. I do.  I need it in spite of myself and am grateful that burden does not fall on my shoulders.  I would not carry it so well.
He started this early on- asking permission from my parents if we were going to be out late instead of having me do it, letting me know quite awkwardly and embarrassingly BEFORE our third date that he had made a promise to God to be a man of purity what that meant for our physical relationship- a night that I still giggle at when I think about and am forever grateful for, not telling me how crazy he thought I was acting until I figured it out for myself.  He made and still makes me feel safe.

#6- He cares about what I care about.  He doesn't just listen when I talk (see below), he truly becomes just as compassionate about said topic as I am!  More so sometimes.  There have been times when I want to just call it quits because I am tired or bored or whatever, and he won't let it go! I wish I could say the same. I have tried for the life of me to like Arturo Sandoval, Wynton Marsalis (I had to look up and correct my spelling on both of those!), or who-ever else he is saying, "Gah-lee" at on YouTube and the best I can muster is a polite smile. How does he put up with me?!

#7- He listens when I talk... and I talk a lot.  God love the man, I wonder constantly how he keeps up.  I am a crazy person with circular logic and warp-speed articulation.  Even still, he makes me feel as if I am on stage holding a microphone under spotlight.  He makes his world stop to just listen to me. And what is crazy is that most of the time I am just rambling incoherently about something insignificant and he has a million things to do.  I love this man!

#8- He is so humble.  I think, if you can't already tell, that he is one of the most amazing people God has ever created.  He is smart (like super smart, like I think I am pretty smart, and he makes me feel like I need a new processor or at least some more RAM), hilarious, an amazing musician, and have I mentioned he is cute!! He does so much for so many.  I used to wonder how he was able to be and do all that and not demand more recognition, until I learned his secret.  He doesn't do anything for me or anyone else.  He serves God everyday in every way. Chew on that one for a little bit.

#9- He is the epitome of a "servant-leader." He is self-less, always looking for the needs of others. And he is definitely a leader meaning he has people that follow him. He doesn't make excuses, he fixes it. He leads by example never expecting anything from someone else that he himself wouldn't do or require of himself (there is that integrity thing again). He has never in my experience of him demanded anything of anybody including myself- well, except the kids- They don't know what a treasure of a daddy they have just yet.  They will soon.

#10- He makes me proud.  It feels good to say, "This is my husband." "This is the daddy of my children." I can't imagine being married to someone I had to make excuses for.

This is not to mention that now I can add to list "amazing daddy," but that would require a whole other post. I could also add "will of steel." Maybe next month when the kids nap at the same time again...

I am sure I have forgotten something I will regret later, but you all get the picture.  He is not perfect, no man is, but in every way...  He is just good. So good.

Happy Anniversary B!  I love you more than you know!
I am grateful and blessed to have you!
Kristy Laine

Jesus Paid It All

Today Norah learned about debt.  It started with our usual pretend play- first with me eating my cereal and drinking my coffee at a French cafe' with waitress/princess Norah, then with a quick trip to the grocery store with our new pretend money (I printed it at home).  She has had a fascination with money for quite a while which is wonderful for teaching counting by 10's and 5's, grouping, etc. ...and today "debt."  I don't know why I used the word debt today.  I only remember using it once instead of my usual "bill" or "owe," but it stuck with Norah- as does thousands of little things that I never notice.  She amazes me.

Later in the morning, while I was fixing lunch- yes, right after the snow angel conversation if you watch my facebook- Norah started humming, "Jesus Paid It All."  I didn't think much about it.  Grady Scott had actually been singing it earlier, probably because it has been in the regular bedtime ritual lately. You don't ever know what I am going come up with.  When Norah got to the bridge she started singing, "Oh Praise the One who paid my debt..."   and stopped cold.

"Mama, what's debt?"
"Well, you know just like when you go to the grocery store and pick out the food you want to buy?"
"Yes."
"What happens next?"
"They ring it up and tell you what you owe."
"That is your debt for the groceries.  You have to pay for the groceries."
"What debt did Jesus pay for? Our sins?"
"That's right.  Because we sin, we owe a debt.  Except this debt we cannot pay for with money or anything else. There is no way we could pay for that sin.  Only Jesus could."
"And that is why He had to die on the cross- but He is ALIVE!!"
"You got it babe."
*singing* "Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow."

Now the snow angels make sense.

Thank you God for blessing me with such a sweet, sweet spirit in my house we call Norah Bailey!!! And thank you dying on the cross to pay my debt!!!

Here's a video of the arrangement she was singing if you are as in the mood to have a worship session to music as I am!

Why Homeschool?

Why are we going to homeschool?
God said so.
We really believe this is a calling on our lives- at least for this season.

We want our kids to get the best possible education.
We don’t have a problem with the public school system- especially in the district where we live.  (I will note that we think just like everyone else that we know that it has some serious problems that should addressed, but I think that of just about any big operation.) As a matter of fact ALL, and I said ALL, of the teachers that I personally know- and I know quite a few- not only seem to be good teachers, but genuinely LOVE “their” kids. My husband worked in this district and from what we can tell, the administration is made up of Godly men and women that work well together and are respectful to its staff.
That being said, public school is still public school.  Everything is done for the greater good- as it should be in that setting.  Teachers have to teach to the middle and hope that the ones at the bottom can somehow catch up with extra attention/help from the parents/tutoring and the ones at the top don’t get too bored and disruptive.

Flexibility.
Our “Saturdays” usually end up being our Thursdays just because that is the day Brandon is off.  Our Saturdays are usually full of anything but relaxing or family oriented things.  Also, I currently still do PRN work as a Speech-language Pathologist- this leaves me flexible to continue to do that.

We want to be the ones to “raise” our kids.
We aren’t ready for our 4, soon to be 5 *tear*, year-old to be gone from our house for EIGHT HOURS A DAY. That seems crazy to us.  Sorry if the opposite seems crazy to you.

Nothing really has to change for us.
We have always done everything we can to make our home a “learning environment.” I already stay home pretty much full time.  I know this is a big deal because for most families to make a decision like this, they would have to make HUGE changes in how things run in their households.  I also think this is one of the reasons God had me start staying home in the first place.

Brandon and Grady Scott drawing together on the couch.

These are not our reasons to home school:
Protect our kids from the world.
To me this one is just silly and naive.  It is our hope that our kids experience MORE of the world, but with a their parents as their tour guide.  If we end up continuing this into the teenage years, I see exciting things such as mission projects, service projects, and truly diving deep into their passions- whatever those turn out to be!

Give them a Godly worldview.
I know some of the most awesome teenagers ever that have an amazing worldview that were and are in public schools.  That is our job as parents no matter the setting.  Don’t use, “well, they picked that up from school” as an excuse people! Do your job! I do think that this is easier to do in the home setting, but still requires purposeful action.

We know other people that are doing it.
We do happen to have some close friends that are homeschooling and to be quite honest, some of them have given me things to aspire toward and some have taught me what not to do- some of them both.  This is truly a very personal decision for our family that we have put a lot of thought, prayer, and time into making.


Concerns we have:
“Socialization”
I have some homeschool friends that laugh this one off, but it is a real concern to me and my husband.  I don’t think they will be any more or less “weird” because they were or weren’t home schooled. I know plenty of homeschool teenagers/adults that are just fine and plenty that are a little… unusual, but the thing is, I know plenty of public school teenagers/adults that are just fine and plenty that are a little off as well. I do worry about my kids being happy though.  Depression is real even among the youngest of us.  That is why we are going to make this a priority because we happen to have 2 very social little people, I think. If we see that we just can’t meet what our kids need, we will make some changes- whatever those changes need to be (prayerfully- again, God’s will not ours).

Norah playing in the sprinkler- always a smile!

            Grady Scott- my funny, sweet boy!             

Can I do it?
I was once a very career driven woman and I am very organized and goal oriented.  These are weaknesses and strengths.  My answer to this one:  No.  I truly can’t. I have tried on my own steam and we didn’t even fit “school” into our day for an entire 2 weeks.  Crazy I know, but true.  I am terrible on my own.  That is why I am going to rely on my God to get us through this and hopefully come out “educated” on the other end. Ha!
That said, I am a trained SLP http://www.asha.org/careers/professions/slp/ and so I have an understanding of how learning takes place (especially language) and what external variables affect learning.  I think I am equipped to teach the younger ages now.  I do wonder how I will do if we continue into the teens years as I think that someone who went to school and specifically majored in that subject area would obviously be more qualified to teach that subject than myself.  Which is one reason we will probably enter the public school system when our kids get older.

**DISCLAIMER**
This is not intended to offend anyone or try to persuade anyone in either direction.  We just wanted to put our thoughts together so others could hopefully understand our decision.  Prayers appreciated as we enter this unknown territory- we’ll see how it goes!!